Acceptance Part 3 | The Game of Life

This article continues on from where Acceptance Part 2 left off....

It is said that a large part of pain – physical or psychological; as much that of a fractured arm as that of a broken heart – is caused by our resistance to it. As one who has had migraines for most of my life, I've experienced this for myself. I've also learnt that there's a difference between accepting pain and being resigned to it.

When we resign ourselves to feeling sad or insecure or lonely, we're shrugging our shoulders in acquiescence. We're conceding, reluctantly, that we are powerless: "I give up – I guess I just have to go along with how I am and what the situation is." There's a sense of being defeated. Understandably, resignation often brings in its wake resentment and bitterness. It's essentially a 'minus' state; that is, one that comes about through a perceived inability to effect change.

By contrast, acceptance is a 'plus' state. It springs from the decision to face facts directly. It's the acknowledgment that "Even though it may not be of my choosing, I see that this is so." There is graciousness in acceptance. Implicit in it is the acknowledgment that life has its own ways, and that to pit our tiny will against it simply isn't intelligent.

Allowing
Say the word allow – ahh...llou...ww – out loud.

Notice how the 'A' acts as a springboard for the tip of your tongue, which first moves up to touch the palate, before plunging softly downwards. And that is the cue for your mouth to open wide and sensuously in the 'oo-u.' The 'w' follows slowly, gently punctuating the end of the word. The very sound reminds you of the flow that you feel when you can allow a situation, allow a feeling, allow yourself, and allow life in general, to be as it is. The word might sound pleasing, but perhaps you've noticed that your mind can become agitated when you're in a state of allowing. Why is that?

When we just let things take their course, or say yes to our feelings, there's nothing for the mind to do. And the mind hates nothing more than to be idle. It's a chronic workaholic, and a perennial busybody too, constantly poking its nose into everything.

Another characteristic of the mind is that it hates disorder; it's frightened of chaos because it will not be in control. And of course, when we allow life, we are taking the reins from our mind and giving them to existence.

When we allow, instead of resenting the river of life, we're willing to 'go with the flow.' Then we become available to the bigger picture. Not that we fully comprehend what that bigger picture is, but we are ready to confront a whole new dimension of acceptance. We are in trust.

The Born Fighters
With acceptance, internal conflict is dropped and we can relax – and relaxation is essential for change to come about.

Let's imagine that you've been overlooked for the promotion you were anticipating, and you're furious. "I'm not going to take this lying down!" you fume to your colleagues. Are we meant just to lamely accept what we feel is unfair? Isn't challenging or fighting a situation healthy sometimes?

My work with supporting people through a critical illness has taken me into the homes of people facing death. Sometimes they themselves have accepted that they are dying, but their partners tell me, "We're going to fight this thing! It's not going to get the better of us." Isn't that attitude antithetical to acceptance? Only if one fights one's tendency to fight!

If you're a fighter by temperament and don't accept the notion of acceptance, then accept that! Telling yourself you 'should' be more accepting is, again, creating an internal split. If you love to do battle, do it totally. Let your inner warrior have its way. It will take you, naturally, in its own time, to a state of acceptance.

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Jung quotes a letter from a former patient of his whom he felt had undergone much change since he'd 'become reconciled' to himself. I include it here because it's so relevant to what we are looking at and because I found it moving:

"Out of evil, much good has come to me... I always thought that when we accepted things they overpowered us in some way or other. This turns out not to be true at all, and it is only by accepting them that one can assume an attitude towards them.

"So now I intend to play the game of life, being receptive to whatever comes to me, good and bad, sun and shadow forever alternating, and, in this way, also accepting my own nature with its positive and negative sides. Thus everything becomes more alive to me.

"What a fool I was! How I tried to force everything to go according to the way I thought to!"

(C.J. Jung, Commentary on The Golden Flower).

Acceptance Begins at Home
Many of us have a tendency to be harsh on ourselves. Along with that critical self-judgment goes a critical attitude towards others. Conversely, the more accepting we are of ourselves with all our imperfections, the more understanding we are of others' imperfections. We realise that we are all 'in the same boat and under the same sky.'

As we saw earlier, self-acceptance starts with self-awareness. Awareness, along with compassion, completes the formula. Accepting yourself is not buttressing the false, egocentric self; in fact it is just the opposite. We need to see the pretensions of our false self for the insubstantial posturings that they are. We need to understand that we cling onto this false self from fear of being vulnerable, and, instead, we need to love ourselves in our authenticity. If we can't do this, we're alienated from a large hunk of our human-ness. Simultaneously, we're divorced from meaningful connection with other individuals, and from humanity at large.

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The Alchemy of Acceptance
How can transformation come about if we're doing nothing but observing?

At first, as you become conscious of what you regard as your less lovely aspects, there does seem to be a change, but it's a negative one: your shortcomings seem to get worse! That's only because they're exposed to the light of day. For the first time you're encountering all your scars and blemishes. Yet there's magic at work if you stay with the experience of just watching.

Author Jeff Davidson, in his book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Managing Stress, puts it like this: "By stopping and noticing how you feel, you actually can dispel some of your negative emotions... The mere act of acknowledging your undesirable feeling helps diminish it. I'm not sure how this works; I know that it does. Perhaps competing energies cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Feeling stressed and noticing that you are feeling stressed compete for the same space.

"It is far better to notice that you are feeling stressed than to be at the mercy of the feeling itself. When you notice it you have the option of doing something to alleviate the condition; when you just feel it, you're a passive victim."

His insight and my knot-of-no story (see Acceptance 2: Opposites or Complementaries) indicate the one principle: the negative is transformed through conscious, uncritical acknowledgment. So, don't try to change anything! No need to inflict new ways of being on yourself (for example, trying not to be so angry). Just observe yourself from inside more often – not critically, but with compassion and patience.

Alchemy was the medieval art or science of transforming metals, notably base metals, into gold. The process used fire, through which impurities were transmogrified. Similarly, in our internal world, when we're alert to our moods – neither repressing them nor unconsciously dumping them on others, but just watching them with no judgement – we're in possession of an alchemical key.

The other aspect of this alchemy is that while mirroring dissolves the negative and the problematic, it enhances the positive.

So, your moments of joy, of love and laughter and gratitude? Whenever they descend upon you, recognise them for what they are. Be as alert to their presence as you are aware of their counterparts and they will grow.

Awake, reflect, watch.

Live with care and attention.

Live in joy

And the light will grow in you.

                             Gautama Buddha