On Not Getting a Grip

Life in the twenty-first century is accelerating. It is also changing in such unpredictable ways that many of us feel frightened of and alienated from the world in which we live.

Troubled by any of a multitude of social issues, and by the increasing threat of global terrorism both at home and abroad, many – perhaps most of us – are unable to fall back on once-reliable support systems such as family or a religious affiliation. Even work, which once provided us with life-long financial security and colleagues, has changed drastically. So it is increasing difficult for us to maintain the illusion that we are in control.

According to American psychiatrist, Krishnananda, "Most of us are 'control-freaks' in one way or another. Our control strategies are creative and subtle. We manipulate, overpower, threaten, seduce, convince, deceive, feel guilt, rescue, and give advice – a plethora of highly unconscious methods of feeling secure, which we have cultivated since early childhood." Yet, when common sense makes it clear that being a 'control freak' isn't working and that maybe we should investigate other options, we tend to tighten our grip.

Look at our daily language: it is rife with words that suggest this compulsion to control. We refer to our organizer in order to prioritize our day; we run a budget; work on our weight; manage our anger; 'make' love; regulate our working hours; discipline our eating habits; grow our careers; get a handle on a task, and take a power walk, or power nap when we are not tucking into a power lunch.

In the Western way of life, things must be made to happen. There is something we would like? We need to 'go for it'. If we can't 'Seize the day!' we exhort others to 'Make my day'. And if we begin to falter, in spite of or because of all this self-flagellation, we might be told we just need to 'get a grip'!

The eating disorders of anorexia nervosa and bulimia are often linked with attempts to gain some sense of control over at least one aspects of one's life. Bullying, too, can be an attempt to prove that one has power in or influence over at least one area of one's day. Some of us, consciously or not, avoid intimacy so that we are not exposed to the insecurity (and potential loss of control) inherent in a close relationship.

Another way in which we might attempt to retain a sense of being in charge is through mapping out our day so that we minimise the possibility of the unexpected happening. Surprise can be a frightening feeling for some of us because it means that we are suddenly confronted with the unplanned for, and so are potentially out of control.

Psychologist Mark Greenberg, who works with helping children in the area of emotional literacy, speaks of scary-sounding 'metacontrolling'. [Because he comes from a Western psychologist's viewpoint, he sees control as desirable, and validates the role of the mind as the controlling agent within us.]

This control mentality has even pervaded our understanding of the spiritual dimension. Many people describe meditation – the very antithesis of control – as 'training the mind'.

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I'm not advocating that we lose all capacity to take initiative. But it is significant to understand that what we can do in any given situation has its limitations, and that the attitude of battling with life – which breeds the concept of control – creates enormous pressure.

Fact: We cannot count on changing our outer world – including people and situations – to suit ourselves.

Fact: We can find a way to live so that we remain unruffled by whatever might be happening externally.

That unruffledness doesn't need greater self-control. We need more core-consciousness.

"But I've got to stay in control," you might be thinking. "If I didn't keep a grip on myself right now I'd really go to pieces about the break-up with my partner. What if I started sobbing when I'm commuting to work or caring for my kids?"

Let's look at that scenario, putting being conscious in place of a desire to control your feelings. If you are aware that your feelings can erupt at any moment, pre-empt that by consciously releasing them through an active form of meditation, such as Gibberish, which is featured as 'Baby Talk' in Meditation du Jour. Take a few moments – and that's all it needs to take – before you set off to work. You might want to be alone and undisturbed in your bedroom for this. Alternatively, is it going to damage your kids to see Mum having feelings? You can even invite them to join in! Kids love this meditation. Their participation will put a whole different spin on your pain.

                                                                Gibberish

Start speaking nonsense sounds out loud, saying anything, as long as it has no meaning. You might have done this as a child: just speaking gibberish, playing with nonsense sounds. It's effective " and actually fun.

Just a few minutes of this allows you to ventilate any irritation that might be building up. You can also use it when you're at work. If you are feeling riled by something a client or your boss said, as soon as you can, take yourself to the fire escape, or anywhere else where you can be alone. Close the door and start gibbering.

If you know no one else is around, do it aloud; otherwise it's just as effective in silence. The point is to rid yourself of any bottled-up tension.

That strategy will lessen the charge around the issue. Then you have a greater chance to observe, with some degree of detachment, any sadness that still wells up from time to time.

Another option is to channel that energy into connecting with your centre (through, say, the technique of Hara Breathing also featured in Meditation du Jour).

                                                           Hara Breathing

For the first few times that you do this method, to help you locate the place from where you want to breathe, you can put your hands flat on your lower belly, a few centimetres below your navel; this is known as the Hara. Those of us who practice the martial arts or T'ai Chi will know it is said to be the centre of consciousness. Gently press the Hara with your fingers.

As you breathe in, let your belly move upwards. As you breathe out, the belly collapses, relaxing.

This may feel a little odd at first because we usually do just the reverse. When we inhale we draw our bellies in (especially those of us striving for a flat belly!) and let the belly relax outwards with the exhalation. Though it may feel odd, remember it is our natural way of breathing; so we are not learning some exotic new way of breathing but are relearning how to breathe naturally.

It doesn't matter at what pace you are breathing. You'll find that because your breathing is now belly based, it will slow down and deepen of its own accord. It is physiologically impossible to breathe in the Hara and be uptight and anxious. Within minutes you will feel relaxed, calm, and centred.

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When we can put aside the notion that we have to keep a tight rein on our life or otherwise all hell will break loose, we can afford to relax. Relaxed, we notice that awareness is flowing through us as a constant undercurrent. In time, we experience that awareness as a reliable support, and so we trust it more and more in every aspect of daily life. The more we trust the power of awareness, the more it grows.

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Days full of wanting,

Let them go by without worrying

that they do. Stay where you are

Inside such a pure, hollow note.

                                 Rumi